“God is love!” I was full of tears during a weekend retreat in 1987 when God touched my heart and soul with this phrase. I heard this phrase many times before but it never touched me. This time, I realized that Jesus loves me so much and died for me even though I am an unworthy sinner. I said to Jesus, “Why do you die for me?” “I know you love the world and die for the world, but why do you love me and die for me?” “Is it worthwhile for you to die for me?” “I don’t deserve your goodness.” Then, I felt Jesus looked at me silently, smiled, and stretched out his arms to die for my sins. Jesus died so that I could live. Out of unconditional love and compassion, Jesus died and redeemed me. Therefore, I wanted to respond to His love. I wanted to yell out to the whole world that: “God is love!” This was the first turning point of my conversion experience.
Later on, I joined a spiritual exercise prayer group that met every Friday to pray and to share our faith with each other. I now realize that God used this group to teach me how to pray. With the spiritual movement in the group, I began to read the Bible and fell in love with it. It was the first time I read it. My faith grew and was nourished from this very Bible. Before joining the prayer group, I never dare to read the Bible – partly because it’s a Holy Book and I felt I was not worthy, another reason was because it is too thick and I did not think I could finish it because I did not like reading. Now, I realize that God has given me the inspiration to read it and to fall in love with it.
At that time, I also fell in love with a woman and I wanted to marry her. I prayed to Jesus and the word from John appeared to me, “I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it” (Jn 14:13-14). I believed it! After six months I asked that woman if I could marry her and she refused. I was shocked! I was very much disappointed at the woman, but doubly disappointed at Jesus. I felt like Jesus betrayed me. I was angry with Jesus. Honestly, those days I went crazy and argued with Jesus three or four hours each day and night in order to … convince Jesus that I was right and Jesus had better change His mind! “How come you said that whatever I ask you will give to me?” “The fact is that the woman refused me!” But then gradually, the more I conversed with Jesus, the more I got to know Him. The more I knew Jesus the more I loved Him and wanted to follow Him and to devote my life to Him. I came to realize that God wanted to show me the human conditional love versus the divine unconditional love. After six months of praying, I thought about whether I still wanted to get married or not, and I told Jesus that I only wanted to abide in His Unconditional Love. This was the second turning point for me to grow deeper in my love for God. Instead of me convincing Him, Jesus convinced me!
In 1988, there were many Vietnamese refugees in the Asian camps. I decided to go and do missionary work at a refugee camp in Hong Kong. I brought with me one back pack and a burning desire to love. I worked here for two years, serving the poor and helpless refugees and I loved it! However, after two years, I was broke – physically, financially, mentally and spiritually. I had to go back to the U.S. to rest and work to build up some financial support for my next trip. After earning nine-thousand dollars, I went to the Philippines to work with the refugees again in Palawan camp in 1990. I also loved this experience! But then, after a few years, I experienced feelings of desolation similar to what I went through in Hong Kong. From there, I went through a discernment process to seek God’s will for me and to decide on my next move.
Through prayer and discernment, I recognized that I have at least three choices. The first choice was to continue missionary work, which brought me a great joy; but after a while, left me with financial and spiritual difficulties. The second option was to get married and to satisfy my human sexual needs. In weighing these two options, I felt the joy of service so profoundly and tremendously that I did not want to forsake serving. I realized that if I get married, I would be tied up with the married life and I could not be as free to serve the poor and the needy, especially those in developing countries. I felt that Jesus was inviting me to something else; therefore, I dropped the marriage option. The third choice was to enter a religious community which will give me the opportunity to do missionary works and at the same time provide me with spiritual guidance, companionship and the financial support that I need. As a result, I enter the Society of Jesus and became a Jesuit in 1993. I chose the Society of Jesus mainly because I like the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. It was the Spiritual Exercises that helped me with my discernments and led to my conversion experience.
I entered the Jesuit life with the fear of studying simply because I did not like to study. Part of it was also because back in 1987, I failed in getting the Associate of Arts Degree, so I thought that I did not have the ability to study. God surprised me! The Society of Jesus sent me to college, assigned me to study and I achieved a Bachelor’s Degree. Then I went on to finish my Master’s Degree in Divinity. Honestly, I could not believe that Jesus walked with me this far. My family members were shocked as well. My brother once told me when I entered the novitiate, “If you do not feel comfortable with that life, our family will welcome you back home.” Recently, my oldest sister said: “Our entire family thought that Chu could not study literature because he never liked to read and because he stutters since childhood. That’s why our parents allowed him to study occupations such as agriculture and woodworking since he is very good at these trades.” As I looked back on my journey, I thought to myself: “God must be crazy!” I asked God: “Are you sure that you invest your gifts in the right person?” “You know that I still stutter and I’m a slow learner. How do I tell the world that you love me and you love the world that much?” The more I get to know Jesus the more I realize that Jesus’ love for me is beyond my understanding. Only love could explain!
It’s only because God loves me so much that He would walk with me this far. Only with His “crazy” love that God has called me to love and to speak of His love and compassion. I want to tell the whole world how stupid and unworthy I am whom God has called to carry out His divine mission – to love without fear and without any condition; to manifests the unconditional love of God. So to speak, my life’s purpose is to respond to the call from Love, for Love and to love.
My dear brothers and sisters, may the God of unconditional love touch your heart so that you’ll burst out with tears of joy! Pray for me so that I can continue to be faithful to proclaim God’s unconditional love to the whole world.
Chu Ngo, S.J.
May 26, 2006